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THE WEIRD CINDERELLA
Once upon a time, there was a really lazy and mean little girl who lived in a house with her stepmother and two stepsisters. The little girl never did anything for herself. She bossed everyone in the house around and never did anything useful. All day, all she would ever do is sit on the couch and watch television or play cruel tricks on the animals around the house. And she was the worst sister EVER! Whenever her sisters would dress up for a dance or special occasion, she would gather up all of the cinders in the fire place into a bucket, and dump them all over her sisters, ruining their pretty clothes. They would then ask, "Why did you do such a thing?" and she would respond, "Eh. I guess I was just bored." They would then run weeping from the room. This especially rotten example of her mean spirited nature was how the lazy and mean little girl became known as Cinderella.
Cinderella grew up doing many inexcusable deeds such as these. Her only friend was the mischievous black cat. Together, they would terrify the mice. Cinderella would leave out crumbs of cheese for them and hide behind a corner. Once the mouse smelt the cheese and came out, Cinderella would sick the cat on them. Seeing the little mice run in panic would make Cinderella and her cat fall over in fits of laughter. Then they would make their way over to the kitchen, knocking over a priceless vase or a family heirloom on the way of course. Once in the kitchen, Cinderella would greedily gobble up the apple pie that took her stepmother two hours of great care to make each day. She would only share with her feline accomplice in nastiness, throwing him a few scraps every now and then. The cat didn't seem to mind, so long as Cinderella provided him with mice. Later in the day, sometimes Cinderella would go outside and pester the farm animals. When the sun set, she would trudge in the house and stomp her feet to make sure every last drop of caked mud on her sister's boots would fall onto the floor that her sister had been scrubbing all day. Cinderella would then scowl and storm into her room, and fall fast asleep on her silk sheets and dream of sugar plum fairies.
Cinderella grew up doing many inexcusable deeds such as these. Her only friend was the mischievous black cat. Together, they would terrify the mice. Cinderella would leave out crumbs of cheese for them and hide behind a corner. Once the mouse smelt the cheese and came out, Cinderella would sick the cat on them. Seeing the little mice run in panic would make Cinderella and her cat fall over in fits of laughter. Then they would make their way over to the kitchen, knocking over a priceless vase or a family heirloom on the way of course. Once in the kitchen, Cinderella would greedily gobble up the apple pie that took her stepmother two hours of great care to make each day. She would only share with her feline accomplice in nastiness, throwing him a few scraps every now and then. The cat didn't seem to mind, so long as Cinderella provided him with mice. Later in the day, sometimes Cinderella would go outside and pester the farm animals. When the sun set, she would trudge in the house and stomp her feet to make sure every last drop of caked mud on her sister's boots would fall onto the floor that her sister had been scrubbing all day. Cinderella would then scowl and storm into her room, and fall fast asleep on her silk sheets and dream of sugar plum fairies.
SLEEPING RAPUNZELLA, WITH THE THREE BEARS AND THE SEVEN DWARVES
SSS
Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess called Rapunzella, who lived in a shoe with seven dwarves and has a very long hair, but she didn't know what to do!
So, anyway, one day a witch turned up, selling magic lamps. This witch turned up selling normal lamps. So Rapunzella bought one, just to get rid of her or whatever, and when she took it inside and polished this normal lamp, it turned out that it was really a magic lamp! A-ha!
And, anyway, this genie shot out of it and said "I am the genie of the lamp" and basically Rapunzella just had to guess the genie's name to win a free wish. So Rapunzel, just off the top of her head, like, suddenly says Rumpledstilts... Rupturedstilk... "Richard Stilgoe" - and she was right! She got her wish and everything, and she wished that she could go to the ball. Yeah, that's it.
So the genie gave her this magic dress, made out of pumpkins and told her to follow the yellow brick road. Because that led to the castle or wherever it was that the ball was.
So Rapunzella set off following the yellow brick road, but it led into this haunted wood and she was really scared, and suddenly this wolf jumped out and started chasing her! So Rapunzella just legged it, basically, and ended up finding this house made of gingerbread.
So she went inside, to hide from the wolf and that, and inside there were three bowls of porridge, but she couldn't eat them because, the witch had poisoned them and there were three beds as well, yeah: three beds. So she tried to go to sleep in these beds, because, she was obviously tired having been chased round by a bloody wolf all day.
Fair enough, but she couldn't get to sleep because the beds were, poisoned. NO! That can't be right. Oh, these beds are full of peas, for some reason. Anyway, it doesn't matter because at this point these three billy goats burst in, and it turns out that it's their house, and their beds and their poison porridge and their gingerbread and their peas and all the rest of it, and they start to chase Rapunzella, or whatever her name was, and she thinks "Oh no, not again". She heard the clock strike eleven and three-quarters, whereupon she immediately hurried away as fast as she could.
Arriving home, she runs into the garden and climbs up this magic beanstalk and falls asleep for a hundred years. And then, they all lived happily ever after.
So, anyway, one day a witch turned up, selling magic lamps. This witch turned up selling normal lamps. So Rapunzella bought one, just to get rid of her or whatever, and when she took it inside and polished this normal lamp, it turned out that it was really a magic lamp! A-ha!
And, anyway, this genie shot out of it and said "I am the genie of the lamp" and basically Rapunzella just had to guess the genie's name to win a free wish. So Rapunzel, just off the top of her head, like, suddenly says Rumpledstilts... Rupturedstilk... "Richard Stilgoe" - and she was right! She got her wish and everything, and she wished that she could go to the ball. Yeah, that's it.
So the genie gave her this magic dress, made out of pumpkins and told her to follow the yellow brick road. Because that led to the castle or wherever it was that the ball was.
So Rapunzella set off following the yellow brick road, but it led into this haunted wood and she was really scared, and suddenly this wolf jumped out and started chasing her! So Rapunzella just legged it, basically, and ended up finding this house made of gingerbread.
So she went inside, to hide from the wolf and that, and inside there were three bowls of porridge, but she couldn't eat them because, the witch had poisoned them and there were three beds as well, yeah: three beds. So she tried to go to sleep in these beds, because, she was obviously tired having been chased round by a bloody wolf all day.
Fair enough, but she couldn't get to sleep because the beds were, poisoned. NO! That can't be right. Oh, these beds are full of peas, for some reason. Anyway, it doesn't matter because at this point these three billy goats burst in, and it turns out that it's their house, and their beds and their poison porridge and their gingerbread and their peas and all the rest of it, and they start to chase Rapunzella, or whatever her name was, and she thinks "Oh no, not again". She heard the clock strike eleven and three-quarters, whereupon she immediately hurried away as fast as she could.
Arriving home, she runs into the garden and climbs up this magic beanstalk and falls asleep for a hundred years. And then, they all lived happily ever after.